Financial Friday! Or What Not To Buy

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It's friday so that means let's talk spending money! Above is a vintage Chanel silk skirt suit.  I love a good Chanel suit as the next homo, but would I spend $2,000 on this? Even if it fit me? No. Why? A couple of reasons, one its not flattering for almost anyone. The color alone is ugly, plus it is from the late 1960's. For those who are not in the Chanel Cult, the late 60's was an interesting time Chanel. It was about ten years into her second attempt at Haute Couture at the 75-85 years old. Most of her pieces from this time are not her best by far. If you are going to spend 2000 dollars on a vintage Chanel piece, look for something pre-WWII, and get it in black. Chanel rarely ventured outside of the dark colors, except for the occasional khaki, camel and Red. I know I just ranted about black, but for Chanel there is no better color. Another issue I have with this piece, despite the color, is it is designed for a larger woman, but the pattern is a horizontal stripe. Can you say visual wide load? Plus it's not very structured, so that adds width, instead of hiding it.

Ok now that rant is out of the way. Time for Your Gay Best Friend's Laws of Spending part 1.

1. Never spend more then half your paycheck on a piece of clothing, or non-jewelry accessory.
But of course there are exceptions to every rule in my play book. Let's look at those.
First exception. A Wedding Dress. Never skim on a wedding dress, your wedding is your special day, where every woman wants and deserves to be the center of attention. This is the ONLY thing I would ever suggest spending an entire month's worth of pay on. Hell if you find one you like, spend a couple month's worth of income on it. Make it an heirloom.
Second exception. Classic accessories. Classic accessories come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, with some slight variation for personal taste. Here is a list of the classics.
Black Heels: Every woman in the world should have at least one pair of black heels. These heels should be at least 2 inches, and should be no more then 4inches(some exceptions for higher heels but not much).  These shoes should be something that can go with almost every outfit, and for almost every season. Don't blow three quarters of your paycheck on a pair of strappy black Jimmy Choos. I know that Jimmy Choos are sexy, and they are classy, but think how foolish you would look going to a formal holiday party in a heeled pair of Gladiator style sandals? Yea I thought so. Exception, if you live in the warmer climates, aka where you don't have seasons, like Florida and Southern California. When looking for a pair of heels look at shoe itself, for a good all season shoe look for either a pump, or a sling-back. These are sexy, and can be worn year round, with skits, dresses and pants. I am personally fond of a pointed toe and so should you unless of course you have like a 55 mile inseam. In all my days I can only think of a handful of women who were too tall for pointed toes. If you fall into this category go for a more blunt toe, or a round toe. A peep-toe is also a big hit in my book, as long as it is just a peep, not a full on toe show. And of course if the soles are red, they are that much hotter! So review. 2-4 inch heel(skinnier heels are better. No Wedges for you!) black is key, and all season so either a slingback or a pump. Pointy toes, unless you are a million miles tall, or a peep toe, but not a toe show.  See pictures below.
A neutral clutch: The clutch, probably one of the most useless things a woman could ever have, but one of the most used accessories. I mean what is the point of carrying a round a small bag that you maybe can fit a tube of lipstick, an ID, and if your really resourceful a condom in? With that said this useless accessory is a staple in any woman's wardrobe. Hey I don't make the rules, I just make them work.  Your lifestyle will determine the style, color and price tag for this clutch. If you are a college student who goes out to the bar all the time, but doe not have many fancy events, go for something sparkly, or maybe with a bit more color(not too much tho.) Get a nice leather Dooney at the outlet store.  If you are a woman who has a classier social life then a college bar, get something with versatility and class. May I suggest a black Chanel? Get the picture? And for simple convence stake do two things when shopping for a new clutch. First bring everything you might possibly need when carrying it(money, ID, Lipstick, phone, and condom) this way you can try it out in the store. Even Saks will understand if you bring these in. Secondly get a clutch that has either a removable wristlet or even a nice shoulder strap. Key is make sure they can come off when you need them too. Unless you are the college student at the bar. A permanent leash to your wrist is probably the wisest option.
Your LBD: Like I have mentioned earlier the LBD is one thing every woman must have. If you only own one dress, it better be little and black.  This is another classic that I can totally understand and even support you spending your paycheck, or two, on. What other article of clothing will you ever own can do as much as a good LBD? Nothing. That's right nothing will ever beat this. It is a perfect base for any outfit, from a night out, to a wedding, to a client business dinner.  So how to pick one out. First length, depending on your age, your social life, and your body type the length can range from above the knee to a tea length. If you are a young stick party animal then a shorter skirt is good. Remember it should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to not give every thing away. If you are older, or larger, or have a more professional social life, go for a tea length. I personally like strapless, because it is the most versatile, but if you do not feel comfortable in strapless, go for a halter top, or thin strap. If you are built like a linebacker go for thicker straps, it makes your shoulders look thinner.  Your LBD should give you a bit of cleavage, but give less away, and leave more to the imagination. If you have some extra baggage around the middle go for an empire waist. Otherwise a fitted bodice is always appropriate. For my own personal taste I like skirts that flow, like an A-line. But if you have the body for it, get something tight. If you need inspiration Google Little Black Dress, Chanel. As she was the creator of the LBD.  Lastly Keep it classy, and keep it black. Add color other ways, not in patterns.
A mid sized purse: No matter who you are, you should have a mid sized purse. I am not talking about a purse that you could fit your entire family in, but definitely bigger then your useless clutch. Here is where you can spend some serious cash, and add color. You should be able to fit the following in your purse: a wallet( or that useless clutch) basic makeup kit(for touch ups) a handful of tampons(do I really need to explain?) a Tide to Go Pen(who doesn't need one of these?) and still have room for all that random stuff that magically appears at the bottom of any purse.  If you are going to invest in a purse, make sure it's classic in design, and is in a color you are going to like for a couple of years. So do not buy some lime green and purple striped Burkin Bag. If you are going to go through the trouble of getting a Burkin Bag make sure its at least a neutral if you can. I would strongly suggest either a black, brown or red purse. All three of these colors go with most things, and do not show dirt as much as say a white bag. Black and Brown are classy, where Red is starting to make a run for class as well, plus it is a nice statement. Also pick a purse that is a complement to the main color of your wardrobe. If you were a lot of pink, don't buy a hot red, or orange bag etc.

Also Jackets are something you can spend a large amount of money on. I have too much to say about jackets, they are a whole other blog entry. Look for that next friday on What Not to Buy!

So there are the classic staples you can spend more then half your paycheck on. Other then that think long and hard about if you really need that pink and blue striped pant suit that costs more then half your paycheck. lastly never spend more then half your paycheck on something you will never wear more then once or twice.

Why I hate Black. Or Why People Think I do.

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I mean look at this woman? Wouldn't you just love to take her out on a Friday night? If you answered yes to this question close your browser now, and never come back. Better yet go to your closet, burn everything that is black, go to Macy's and buy some pink. And while you are there try and buy some class.

This post goes out to my Hag yet again.
In the words of my Hag, Black is classy and you can never go wrong with classy. Unless you cross from classy to straight up gothic. Believe me I love black just as much as the next slightly overweight gay, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Yea it's slimming, it's sliming and it goes with everything, except black and running at night, but so does the color blue? Where are the entire closets of blue? Or the cults wearing only blue? Embrace color, unless of course you are: A widow, a member of a cult, gothic(to an extent), Amish, a nun, or a Funeral director. These groups are excused from the following laws of fashion.

Before I go into the laws of fashion, I need you, yes you, to do something. Get up and go to your closet, hell bring the laptop with you( who uses a desktop anymore?). Open it up, just looking at does not count.  Do not just look at your screen and pretend to do this either, I know who you are. Now for real go look at your closet, wardrobe or where ever you keep your clothes.  Now there are two things I want you to look for, one good, one bad. First is over half your closet black? No, ok you are good. Yes? This post is for you. Now the second thing. Is there at least one piece of clothing from each color in the rainbow? I am not saying you need a pure yellow, or a hot pink, but you should have something that is somewhere in the range of yellow, or pink etc. If you do not, next time you are out shopping, aka as soon as you finish this post, it is my challenge to you to get at least one article of clothing from the colors you are missing. Stop right there with the whining, I do not want to hear "I don't look good in pink,,,Whine whine whine." I get enough of it from the hag. Find a shade of the missing colors you look good in. I have yet to find a person who looks bad in every shade of a color. If you don't look good in magenta, try salmon, or blush or more of a peach color. Now that we have that out of the way time to talk about the antithesis of color, Black.

Every woman should have at least one of the following in black.
A tank top, or cami: you can never go wrong with a tank top, and it is so versatile it is a staple.
A black tee shirt: See reason for cami.
A black sweater/cardigan: a perfect topper to almost any outfit for this cool fall or spring days. Just don't mix it with a black shirt, or a brown shirt. Try a bright color, or a pastel, they go best.
A pair of black wide leg trousers: The wide leg will flatter almost any body type, and the black with slim down those not so sexy thighs you always are complaining about. Get a flat front, midrise pair. These can be dressed up for the office, or dressed down for a night at the club. Wear heels with these, otherwise you get a weird puddle effect, which looks trashy. Feel free to mix it up and add a pinstripe for added flair.
A black skirt: One of the most important weapons in any woman's arsenal is a black skirt that fits your body type. Remember to be seen with a gay, you need to be hot and classy. Not trashy. Stay in the knee range for length, miniskirts only work if you are built like a twig, and longer then a tea length you are approaching school marm, aka matronly. A skirt is one the acceptable areas to add some pattern into what you are wearing. For the sake of this exercise you should make sure if it has a pattern, at least 50% of the skirt is black.
Another Black Skirt: If your first one was your flirty skirt this one will be your classy one. Sexy, but still classy.  This one should be a above or below the knee pencil skirt. Unless you have a huge rear this skirt will flater you. For added flair add a white collared shirt, and a fitted black jacket.
Black Suit Jacket: This jacket should be fitted at your waist, and should hit on your hips. It should be structured with at least a button. For inspiration Google Coco Chanel Jacket, pre 1960.
LBD: I feel like I should not have to even put this on the list, it should be a given. For the 5 women in the world who do not have a little black dress, Mademoiselle Chanel is rolling in her grave at the thought, stop everything and go buy one now. Little black dress, low stilettos and a string of pearls and you will never buy a drink again at the bar. the LBD comes in all shapes and sizes, but has three common factors. They are tight where it counts (depends on your body) they are short( knee range usually) and of course are black.
A Black Collared Shirt: Weither it's a polo shirt, or a dress shirt, no woman's closet is complete with out a black business casual top.

Keep in mind there are always exceptions even to my own laws of fashion. The two types of women who should completely disregard these laws are: women of African American decent, who's skin is that beautiful shade of midnight its almost blue, you will just match the clothes, and borderline albinos. If you are so extremely pale, black around your face will just showcase how pale you are, in some cases this is ok, but if you are really really washed out, this will only add to that. Again this rule only applies to articles of clothing around your face. Even if you fall into one of these categories you should still go out and get skirts and trousers.

There are the basics of black. More about colors to come. For now enjoy these pictures of Becca in her many black outfits. She is classy, but by the end you want some color.