Why I hate Black. Or Why People Think I do.

Source

I mean look at this woman? Wouldn't you just love to take her out on a Friday night? If you answered yes to this question close your browser now, and never come back. Better yet go to your closet, burn everything that is black, go to Macy's and buy some pink. And while you are there try and buy some class.

This post goes out to my Hag yet again.
In the words of my Hag, Black is classy and you can never go wrong with classy. Unless you cross from classy to straight up gothic. Believe me I love black just as much as the next slightly overweight gay, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Yea it's slimming, it's sliming and it goes with everything, except black and running at night, but so does the color blue? Where are the entire closets of blue? Or the cults wearing only blue? Embrace color, unless of course you are: A widow, a member of a cult, gothic(to an extent), Amish, a nun, or a Funeral director. These groups are excused from the following laws of fashion.

Before I go into the laws of fashion, I need you, yes you, to do something. Get up and go to your closet, hell bring the laptop with you( who uses a desktop anymore?). Open it up, just looking at does not count.  Do not just look at your screen and pretend to do this either, I know who you are. Now for real go look at your closet, wardrobe or where ever you keep your clothes.  Now there are two things I want you to look for, one good, one bad. First is over half your closet black? No, ok you are good. Yes? This post is for you. Now the second thing. Is there at least one piece of clothing from each color in the rainbow? I am not saying you need a pure yellow, or a hot pink, but you should have something that is somewhere in the range of yellow, or pink etc. If you do not, next time you are out shopping, aka as soon as you finish this post, it is my challenge to you to get at least one article of clothing from the colors you are missing. Stop right there with the whining, I do not want to hear "I don't look good in pink,,,Whine whine whine." I get enough of it from the hag. Find a shade of the missing colors you look good in. I have yet to find a person who looks bad in every shade of a color. If you don't look good in magenta, try salmon, or blush or more of a peach color. Now that we have that out of the way time to talk about the antithesis of color, Black.

Every woman should have at least one of the following in black.
A tank top, or cami: you can never go wrong with a tank top, and it is so versatile it is a staple.
A black tee shirt: See reason for cami.
A black sweater/cardigan: a perfect topper to almost any outfit for this cool fall or spring days. Just don't mix it with a black shirt, or a brown shirt. Try a bright color, or a pastel, they go best.
A pair of black wide leg trousers: The wide leg will flatter almost any body type, and the black with slim down those not so sexy thighs you always are complaining about. Get a flat front, midrise pair. These can be dressed up for the office, or dressed down for a night at the club. Wear heels with these, otherwise you get a weird puddle effect, which looks trashy. Feel free to mix it up and add a pinstripe for added flair.
A black skirt: One of the most important weapons in any woman's arsenal is a black skirt that fits your body type. Remember to be seen with a gay, you need to be hot and classy. Not trashy. Stay in the knee range for length, miniskirts only work if you are built like a twig, and longer then a tea length you are approaching school marm, aka matronly. A skirt is one the acceptable areas to add some pattern into what you are wearing. For the sake of this exercise you should make sure if it has a pattern, at least 50% of the skirt is black.
Another Black Skirt: If your first one was your flirty skirt this one will be your classy one. Sexy, but still classy.  This one should be a above or below the knee pencil skirt. Unless you have a huge rear this skirt will flater you. For added flair add a white collared shirt, and a fitted black jacket.
Black Suit Jacket: This jacket should be fitted at your waist, and should hit on your hips. It should be structured with at least a button. For inspiration Google Coco Chanel Jacket, pre 1960.
LBD: I feel like I should not have to even put this on the list, it should be a given. For the 5 women in the world who do not have a little black dress, Mademoiselle Chanel is rolling in her grave at the thought, stop everything and go buy one now. Little black dress, low stilettos and a string of pearls and you will never buy a drink again at the bar. the LBD comes in all shapes and sizes, but has three common factors. They are tight where it counts (depends on your body) they are short( knee range usually) and of course are black.
A Black Collared Shirt: Weither it's a polo shirt, or a dress shirt, no woman's closet is complete with out a black business casual top.

Keep in mind there are always exceptions even to my own laws of fashion. The two types of women who should completely disregard these laws are: women of African American decent, who's skin is that beautiful shade of midnight its almost blue, you will just match the clothes, and borderline albinos. If you are so extremely pale, black around your face will just showcase how pale you are, in some cases this is ok, but if you are really really washed out, this will only add to that. Again this rule only applies to articles of clothing around your face. Even if you fall into one of these categories you should still go out and get skirts and trousers.

There are the basics of black. More about colors to come. For now enjoy these pictures of Becca in her many black outfits. She is classy, but by the end you want some color.