Randomness Ensues

Hello world!

I hope you all enjoyed my foray into drunken blogging last night. It was a test to see if that was the kind of direction I wanted to take this blog. I started this blog years ago to be a collection of random life lessons that I was hoping to one day turn into a book. Then it died. Then like a zombie I brought it back to life, but now I think it is time to give this blog a new purpose in life, well undead life. While I will continue to post random life lessons for hags, and aspiring hags, I am also going to post random crap that I find funny, things that irk me, and other crap. I can't promise I am going to continue post regularly, as I am a manic ADHD gay who works crazy hours.  Now for an entertaining text convo between my sister and I about my Ex, being fat, boobs, and using butt fat as lamp oil.

My Parents went to Gay Disney and forgot me at home

Source  Well they did...

So today I got up super early and was so productive(which is really odd) that I decided I should make the hour long trek to my parents home to see them. Thankfully I checked facebook first. My mother had just posted a photo of the New Hampshire Bridge. For those of you who don't know the "green bridge" is the major landmark that shows you that you are officially leaving the Glorious state of Maine. As I grew concerned I checked further, and found out that my parents were in fact leaving the state, and committing the most horrific of crimes; they were going to Cape Cod without even telling me!!! For you who live under a rock at the end of Cape Cod is this magical little village known as Provincetown, or as I like to call it Gay Disney World. It is a quant little fishing village where Drag Queens roam freely, there are like a million sex shops and everything is rainbow colored. Then somewhere in the middle of this is a large population of Portugese catholics. It's truly one of the most amazing and magical places I have ever been, other then San Francisco of course, but this is like the East Coast's answer to San Francisco.

Then to rub salt into my bleeding wounds of being abandoned by my parents I log on to facebook and see this:

My Mother:Well, we made it to the Cape in one piece. Got to our cabin and unpacked. Sitting back now enjoying the breeze...life IS good!
So of course I had to comment; well rather the 4 beers I have already had this afternoon had to.

Me:Thanks for letting me know you are spending the 4th of july in the gayest place on the eastern seaboard, while your awesomely gay son is stuck in bangor with phish... P.S. I was going to come down and visit today, then I saw the post of the New Hampshire Bridge pic. Again, thanks for letting your child know you are leaving the state mum.
Mother:Call home once in awhile!*your sister*'s home doing nothing i am sure-Love Mum
Random interjection from a relative: blah blah blah not related.
Me:But while *My sister* is pretty awesome she is no gay Disney world(P-town) full of glitter and rainbows. And phones work both ways Edith**
Another random interjection, this time from my high school french teacher:  Enjoying the mother-son repartee. Just spend an enjoyable time with *your sister*. Hope you all have a nice 4th!
My Mother:(trying to suck up for abandoning me) Enjoying the mother-son repartee. Just spend an enjoyable time withKaileigh Duym. Hope you all have a nice 4th! 
Me:I am going to spend my fourth with grouchy hungover fish heads demanding coffee instead of drag queens on a beach...

I think I officially have won this epic battle, as there has been no response from her in the last hour. I am going to mark that as a win. And I am getting too drunk to be overly witty at this point.

*My Sister* I changed her name to protect her from the shame of my drunken blogging
**Edith, as in Edith from All in the Family Edith. It's a family joke that I just call my mother Edith when she does something foolish, stupid, or cold hearted, like leave me home when she goes to gay paradise.


That's all I got tonight, I am too drunk to continue blogging much more. Hope you enjoy this new feature for Your Gay Best Friend's Guide to Life. I am trying something new out.

Death of a Hag, well not dead but she might as well be

RIP Becca, She was a Great Hag

This is Becca. My original hag. This is my Eulogy for her. As I have decided she is dead, since I have not heard from her in almost a month, and have not seen her since April. Other then Facebook updates she is gone, and let's face it anyone can post things on Facebook, and to a gay man no contact in over a week means your dead, or you better be because there is no other excuse to ignore your GBFF for that long!

My Dearest Becca, you were a good hag, despite your obsession with the color black, and abandoning me for a pair of bulging biceps(See Andy) once or twice. I will miss our random adventures, road trips where we try to kill each other because we end up in Vermont instead of Maine, and making fun of girls who shorts are shorter then her mother's mustache. Gone are days wasted drinking coffee and eating all the delectable baked treats I made in your tiny ass kitchen, bitching about the boys du jour, or the pot heads next door. I will drink bad K-Cup coffee and a Gin Rickey(even if it does bad things to me) in your honor.

If you are not dead, and see this please contact your gay ASAP before I finish planning your fabulous funeral (with a strict no black dress code).

Love Jacquith, your Sassy GBFF

It has been almost a year?! I am not Dead!

I apologize for the long delay in posts. Life kind of got away from me, you know with all the boys, shopping, Starbucks and new fashion trends to keep up with. But I am back now with a fabulous topic for all you lovely ladies out there!

Source

The Fag Hag Survival Guide part 1. 

AKA the Care Manual for your Gay.

So you have made one of the biggest and best decisions in your life. You have adopted your first Gay! In the next few Weeks I am going to give you some tips and tricks on how to take care of your gay. As we are fickle, temperamental and fabulous creatures who need to be handled with care. 

Regular Contact: How can I give you fabulous advice, make fun of that 5 dollar top that looks like a shag carpet, or help you figure out if that cute boy at the bar is interested in you, or just looking for a new Hag if we do not talk on a regular basis? 

Once upon a time my Hag and I were inseparable, spending at least a few hours a day together, and texting regularly. Today I had the shocking revelation that I had not seen my hag in a week, and the only text I have received was "Get this foccacia out of my sight! I've already eaten half!" Sadly this has become quite the trend, and as the uber judgmental, paranoid gay that I am, I have been lead to believe my hag is cheating on me with another gay. The bitch. When you adopt a gay, it is a lifetime commitment, unless of course you show up to a party in something that looks like it belongs in a 1970's Bachelor shag pad, then you are on your own. I understand that people are busy; hello between work, school, this blog and my book I barely have enough time to wax my eyebrows, let alone track down my hag.  So if you are like my hag, who is uber busy as well, here is my suggestion at the very least you should text your gay every 2-3 days, just so we know you are not dead. Because if you are dead, I need a full week to grieve, plan a fabulous funeral, and start interviewing new hags. Even if it is some pointless text about foccacia, or some girl walking down the street with a crimp job(a part of me just died writing that), it at least let's me know you are not dead. 

Well I have to run, the fabulously busy life of a working gay is calling. More to come next week!

Its Hump Day! So Lets Talk sex

Here are couple easy ways to enjoy as much man candy as you want, without looking like a ho.  Trust me on this one, if men were candy I would have died years ago from a Diabetic shock!

So here are my rules. 

1. Don't be easy, but don't be a prude. 

Sounds easy right? wrong. There is a very fine line that you need to flirt with between slut and prude, one that is not easy to find, but you can do it I have faith. So you go out with this guy for the first time, he took you to dinner, and actually paid! He would not even let you leave a tip! Homerun, keep this one around for a little while. So you get in the car and he has those " I am so gonna get laid eyes" shoot that one down right now. Before this goes any further ask yourself a few questions.

     Do you see another date happening?

        If yes, then give him something to make him come back! More in a bit.

        If no, you can either screw him and move on(slut move) or you can just make out a little bit. 

    Have you slept with/fooled around with anyone he is close with? Fraternity brother, roommate, blood brother etc?

         If yes you might as well sleep with him as everyone will already think of you as a slut. Boys gossip worse then any one I have ever met.

         If no then again give him something to remember you by. 

Fag and Hag take on the big City!

Last Fall the Hag and I took a trip to the big city, New York city to be exact. It was a weekend full of adventures, photo shoots, Shopping and of course Starbucks. Instead of talking about the entire trip, as that would take days, I am going to tell you about our Social Night, as well as give you some tips and places to check out next time you are in New York City.

It was a night to remember that is for sure! We started the Evening with shopping at a little hole in the wall place I like to call Tiffany's!  If you are ever on Fifth Ave. You need to check this place out, it was breathe taking, multiple floors of sparkly things, jewelry and dishes. It was so bright, it was like heaven. And even better there is a Chanel Boutique across the street.

Dating and your Gay

Meet Andy.

Here are some simple things to keep in mind when you start to think about entering the dating world. Especially if you are a hag(as in awesome, not ugly and old). Many gays can be extremely territorial, especially of their upper tier of girls, just ask my wife, or my hag, I am down right nasty. I do not like competition, not that any of the men my girlies have brought around have been worthy opponents, and I especially do not like boys trying to take my girls. I have gotten better with this, but you need to keep a few things in mind when dealing with your gay.