Death of a Hag, well not dead but she might as well be

RIP Becca, She was a Great Hag

This is Becca. My original hag. This is my Eulogy for her. As I have decided she is dead, since I have not heard from her in almost a month, and have not seen her since April. Other then Facebook updates she is gone, and let's face it anyone can post things on Facebook, and to a gay man no contact in over a week means your dead, or you better be because there is no other excuse to ignore your GBFF for that long!

My Dearest Becca, you were a good hag, despite your obsession with the color black, and abandoning me for a pair of bulging biceps(See Andy) once or twice. I will miss our random adventures, road trips where we try to kill each other because we end up in Vermont instead of Maine, and making fun of girls who shorts are shorter then her mother's mustache. Gone are days wasted drinking coffee and eating all the delectable baked treats I made in your tiny ass kitchen, bitching about the boys du jour, or the pot heads next door. I will drink bad K-Cup coffee and a Gin Rickey(even if it does bad things to me) in your honor.

If you are not dead, and see this please contact your gay ASAP before I finish planning your fabulous funeral (with a strict no black dress code).

Love Jacquith, your Sassy GBFF

It has been almost a year?! I am not Dead!

I apologize for the long delay in posts. Life kind of got away from me, you know with all the boys, shopping, Starbucks and new fashion trends to keep up with. But I am back now with a fabulous topic for all you lovely ladies out there!

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The Fag Hag Survival Guide part 1. 

AKA the Care Manual for your Gay.

So you have made one of the biggest and best decisions in your life. You have adopted your first Gay! In the next few Weeks I am going to give you some tips and tricks on how to take care of your gay. As we are fickle, temperamental and fabulous creatures who need to be handled with care. 

Regular Contact: How can I give you fabulous advice, make fun of that 5 dollar top that looks like a shag carpet, or help you figure out if that cute boy at the bar is interested in you, or just looking for a new Hag if we do not talk on a regular basis? 

Once upon a time my Hag and I were inseparable, spending at least a few hours a day together, and texting regularly. Today I had the shocking revelation that I had not seen my hag in a week, and the only text I have received was "Get this foccacia out of my sight! I've already eaten half!" Sadly this has become quite the trend, and as the uber judgmental, paranoid gay that I am, I have been lead to believe my hag is cheating on me with another gay. The bitch. When you adopt a gay, it is a lifetime commitment, unless of course you show up to a party in something that looks like it belongs in a 1970's Bachelor shag pad, then you are on your own. I understand that people are busy; hello between work, school, this blog and my book I barely have enough time to wax my eyebrows, let alone track down my hag.  So if you are like my hag, who is uber busy as well, here is my suggestion at the very least you should text your gay every 2-3 days, just so we know you are not dead. Because if you are dead, I need a full week to grieve, plan a fabulous funeral, and start interviewing new hags. Even if it is some pointless text about foccacia, or some girl walking down the street with a crimp job(a part of me just died writing that), it at least let's me know you are not dead. 

Well I have to run, the fabulously busy life of a working gay is calling. More to come next week!

Its Hump Day! So Lets Talk sex

Here are couple easy ways to enjoy as much man candy as you want, without looking like a ho.  Trust me on this one, if men were candy I would have died years ago from a Diabetic shock!

So here are my rules. 

1. Don't be easy, but don't be a prude. 

Sounds easy right? wrong. There is a very fine line that you need to flirt with between slut and prude, one that is not easy to find, but you can do it I have faith. So you go out with this guy for the first time, he took you to dinner, and actually paid! He would not even let you leave a tip! Homerun, keep this one around for a little while. So you get in the car and he has those " I am so gonna get laid eyes" shoot that one down right now. Before this goes any further ask yourself a few questions.

     Do you see another date happening?

        If yes, then give him something to make him come back! More in a bit.

        If no, you can either screw him and move on(slut move) or you can just make out a little bit. 

    Have you slept with/fooled around with anyone he is close with? Fraternity brother, roommate, blood brother etc?

         If yes you might as well sleep with him as everyone will already think of you as a slut. Boys gossip worse then any one I have ever met.

         If no then again give him something to remember you by. 

Fag and Hag take on the big City!

Last Fall the Hag and I took a trip to the big city, New York city to be exact. It was a weekend full of adventures, photo shoots, Shopping and of course Starbucks. Instead of talking about the entire trip, as that would take days, I am going to tell you about our Social Night, as well as give you some tips and places to check out next time you are in New York City.

It was a night to remember that is for sure! We started the Evening with shopping at a little hole in the wall place I like to call Tiffany's!  If you are ever on Fifth Ave. You need to check this place out, it was breathe taking, multiple floors of sparkly things, jewelry and dishes. It was so bright, it was like heaven. And even better there is a Chanel Boutique across the street.

Dating and your Gay

Meet Andy.

Here are some simple things to keep in mind when you start to think about entering the dating world. Especially if you are a hag(as in awesome, not ugly and old). Many gays can be extremely territorial, especially of their upper tier of girls, just ask my wife, or my hag, I am down right nasty. I do not like competition, not that any of the men my girlies have brought around have been worthy opponents, and I especially do not like boys trying to take my girls. I have gotten better with this, but you need to keep a few things in mind when dealing with your gay. 

The Sexiest Thing a Woman can Wear!

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I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting to know what the sexiest thing you can wear. But not to disappoint you, it's not really just one thing, nor is it a piece of clothing, it's actually a mindset.
Almost every self help book, or fashion women's magazine has talked about this in parts, what makes this one different is two things. First, it's because I am awesome. Secondly I have combined a few different ideas into one overall mind set.

The Sexiest thing you can you wear, is confidence. But its more then just being confident, it's accepting and being comfortable with how you are. Being sexy is completely a mind set, a confident and comfortable woman can make even a burlap sack look sexy.  The first part of this new mind set is confidence, confident that you are a smart sexy woman, that any man would kill to be with. If you can't be confident then Fake it till you Make it! Always stand up straight, make eye contact, and stride with purpose and passion. It is surprising how much the way a person walks, changes how people view them. I am not saying you need to do a runway strut everywhere you go, but if you walk with a purpose, but not rushing you will be amazed. Also when walking straight up, do not hold your nose up in the air, thats A. tacky, B. Rude, and C. makes you look really snobby. Snobby does not equal hot.

The second part of this new sexy mind set is be comfortable. No, this does not mean bust out the sweat pants, and oversized teeshirts. This means be comfortable in your own skin. Next time you get out of the shower, or you get dressed I want you to stand completely naked in front of the mirror.  A. Stop complaining about how you are not going to do this, and B. stop shaking in fear of seeing yourself naked, that defeats the point. You should do this everyday, get comfortable seeing yourself naked. Learn to accept and love everything about it. Instead of bitching about that mole on your butt that looks like a bug, think of it as a butterfly or a heart etc. I know this sounds wicked cheesy but you will be surprised how well it works, and how the next guy to see your mole will think its cute that you think it looks like a butterfly.
So now you have seen yourself naked, and you are getting used to it. Good now start loving that body. If there is one thing my girls all have, it is confidence, in varying degrees. They are all built in different ways, and have things they would like to change, but they have learned to love other parts of their body.

So who cares if you are built like a South American Fertility Goddess? Did you miss the most important part of that phrase "GODDESS" People like you were worshiped all over world for years!
Or who cares if you are built like a twig, drink a protein shake and enjoy your slim figure, some guys are all about that look!

To recap. Walk with confidence, Love your body no matter what you think is wrong with it. Learn to love your body naked in the mirror. Embrace your body type, and make it work for you! Fake it till you Make it! And lastly do not be afraid to make the first move, most guys like this!

Updates, and a look to the future.

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When I found this photo it fit me way to well. In the last couple of days my life was much like this photo, between work, a social life, grad school and family things I have not even had a chance to check my facebook! Well that's a slight light, but it is definitely close. I am sorry  I have not had a chance to give you another fabulous post about life, but I just have  not had it in me. 

With that said, time to look at what the future, aka tomorrow, has to hold. 

Tomorrow I plan on hiding away in my top secret Gay Bat Cave, aka Bangor Starbucks, and crank out a few new posts to make up for the weekend, as well as a couple back ups. Here are a few ideas I am having. 

1. The Sexiest Thing a Woman can wear!

     Got you excited there didn't I? Too bad, this is actually part of my self-help section. So what is the sexiest thing a woman can wear? I guess you will have to check back tomorrow to find out!

2. Hump Day: What else would you talk about? Sex.

     This post can go one of two ways, and I have not made up my mind quiet yet. I am leaning towards writing about this fabulous little facebook show that I just love, called Sex and Wine with S and J. I happen to be close with the S, and I have actually even been a guest star! I will have to look and see what kind of fun topics they have in the archive.  

     The second idea I am toying with, is some sex tips, because who has better sex then a gay? How can you properly please a man without having the parts? Seriously, I know what I like, so thats what I do!

3. Adventures in the Kitchen: Scones not Stones

     Giving away the basics of my world famous scones. Don't even start talking about how you don't like scones, or that they make you think of cold dry British women, because once you make one of my scones you will never go back to those stones the British try to pass off as decent tea pastries. 

4. Fag and Hag take on NYC. 

    I promised you some social life, and here is the start! I will chronicle the adventures the Hag and I had last fall in NYC, complete with Classy gay bars, sketchy gay bars, a Gay Sports Bar and some really fab. Restaurants. Look forward to this post!

5. Dating and your Gay. 

    There are two posts for this topic. The first topic will be how to find a balance between your love of your life, and that pesky pain in my ass called your boyfriend. Be warned gays can be extremely terratorial of our hags, so here are some basic tips on keeping us happy, with out breaking up with your boyfriend. 

    The second topic will be about to do when you meet the man of your dreams, and then his wife, or girlfriend. Also what to do when said man, asks you out for dinner, despite the wife. 

6. Last but not least it will be the first edition of Girlie Spotlight: Kadelles the chameleon of style, the pros and cons of her wardrobe and how to dress a curvy figure. 

Hope you continue to watch for the new posts, because they are starting to get more exciting!