Fag and Hag take on the big City!

Last Fall the Hag and I took a trip to the big city, New York city to be exact. It was a weekend full of adventures, photo shoots, Shopping and of course Starbucks. Instead of talking about the entire trip, as that would take days, I am going to tell you about our Social Night, as well as give you some tips and places to check out next time you are in New York City.

It was a night to remember that is for sure! We started the Evening with shopping at a little hole in the wall place I like to call Tiffany's!  If you are ever on Fifth Ave. You need to check this place out, it was breathe taking, multiple floors of sparkly things, jewelry and dishes. It was so bright, it was like heaven. And even better there is a Chanel Boutique across the street.

Dating and your Gay

Meet Andy.

Here are some simple things to keep in mind when you start to think about entering the dating world. Especially if you are a hag(as in awesome, not ugly and old). Many gays can be extremely territorial, especially of their upper tier of girls, just ask my wife, or my hag, I am down right nasty. I do not like competition, not that any of the men my girlies have brought around have been worthy opponents, and I especially do not like boys trying to take my girls. I have gotten better with this, but you need to keep a few things in mind when dealing with your gay. 

The Sexiest Thing a Woman can Wear!

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I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting to know what the sexiest thing you can wear. But not to disappoint you, it's not really just one thing, nor is it a piece of clothing, it's actually a mindset.
Almost every self help book, or fashion women's magazine has talked about this in parts, what makes this one different is two things. First, it's because I am awesome. Secondly I have combined a few different ideas into one overall mind set.

The Sexiest thing you can you wear, is confidence. But its more then just being confident, it's accepting and being comfortable with how you are. Being sexy is completely a mind set, a confident and comfortable woman can make even a burlap sack look sexy.  The first part of this new mind set is confidence, confident that you are a smart sexy woman, that any man would kill to be with. If you can't be confident then Fake it till you Make it! Always stand up straight, make eye contact, and stride with purpose and passion. It is surprising how much the way a person walks, changes how people view them. I am not saying you need to do a runway strut everywhere you go, but if you walk with a purpose, but not rushing you will be amazed. Also when walking straight up, do not hold your nose up in the air, thats A. tacky, B. Rude, and C. makes you look really snobby. Snobby does not equal hot.

The second part of this new sexy mind set is be comfortable. No, this does not mean bust out the sweat pants, and oversized teeshirts. This means be comfortable in your own skin. Next time you get out of the shower, or you get dressed I want you to stand completely naked in front of the mirror.  A. Stop complaining about how you are not going to do this, and B. stop shaking in fear of seeing yourself naked, that defeats the point. You should do this everyday, get comfortable seeing yourself naked. Learn to accept and love everything about it. Instead of bitching about that mole on your butt that looks like a bug, think of it as a butterfly or a heart etc. I know this sounds wicked cheesy but you will be surprised how well it works, and how the next guy to see your mole will think its cute that you think it looks like a butterfly.
So now you have seen yourself naked, and you are getting used to it. Good now start loving that body. If there is one thing my girls all have, it is confidence, in varying degrees. They are all built in different ways, and have things they would like to change, but they have learned to love other parts of their body.

So who cares if you are built like a South American Fertility Goddess? Did you miss the most important part of that phrase "GODDESS" People like you were worshiped all over world for years!
Or who cares if you are built like a twig, drink a protein shake and enjoy your slim figure, some guys are all about that look!

To recap. Walk with confidence, Love your body no matter what you think is wrong with it. Learn to love your body naked in the mirror. Embrace your body type, and make it work for you! Fake it till you Make it! And lastly do not be afraid to make the first move, most guys like this!

Updates, and a look to the future.

Photo source

When I found this photo it fit me way to well. In the last couple of days my life was much like this photo, between work, a social life, grad school and family things I have not even had a chance to check my facebook! Well that's a slight light, but it is definitely close. I am sorry  I have not had a chance to give you another fabulous post about life, but I just have  not had it in me. 

With that said, time to look at what the future, aka tomorrow, has to hold. 

Tomorrow I plan on hiding away in my top secret Gay Bat Cave, aka Bangor Starbucks, and crank out a few new posts to make up for the weekend, as well as a couple back ups. Here are a few ideas I am having. 

1. The Sexiest Thing a Woman can wear!

     Got you excited there didn't I? Too bad, this is actually part of my self-help section. So what is the sexiest thing a woman can wear? I guess you will have to check back tomorrow to find out!

2. Hump Day: What else would you talk about? Sex.

     This post can go one of two ways, and I have not made up my mind quiet yet. I am leaning towards writing about this fabulous little facebook show that I just love, called Sex and Wine with S and J. I happen to be close with the S, and I have actually even been a guest star! I will have to look and see what kind of fun topics they have in the archive.  

     The second idea I am toying with, is some sex tips, because who has better sex then a gay? How can you properly please a man without having the parts? Seriously, I know what I like, so thats what I do!

3. Adventures in the Kitchen: Scones not Stones

     Giving away the basics of my world famous scones. Don't even start talking about how you don't like scones, or that they make you think of cold dry British women, because once you make one of my scones you will never go back to those stones the British try to pass off as decent tea pastries. 

4. Fag and Hag take on NYC. 

    I promised you some social life, and here is the start! I will chronicle the adventures the Hag and I had last fall in NYC, complete with Classy gay bars, sketchy gay bars, a Gay Sports Bar and some really fab. Restaurants. Look forward to this post!

5. Dating and your Gay. 

    There are two posts for this topic. The first topic will be how to find a balance between your love of your life, and that pesky pain in my ass called your boyfriend. Be warned gays can be extremely terratorial of our hags, so here are some basic tips on keeping us happy, with out breaking up with your boyfriend. 

    The second topic will be about to do when you meet the man of your dreams, and then his wife, or girlfriend. Also what to do when said man, asks you out for dinner, despite the wife. 

6. Last but not least it will be the first edition of Girlie Spotlight: Kadelles the chameleon of style, the pros and cons of her wardrobe and how to dress a curvy figure. 

Hope you continue to watch for the new posts, because they are starting to get more exciting!

Social Life Saturday

In light of Social Life Saturday, I spent a little too much time "researching" the topic. I will have a blog up this evening for you all about Social Life and how to make it Fabulous.

Also Look forward to Adventures in the Kitchen, How to cook with your Gay today as well!

Financial Friday! Or What Not To Buy

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It's friday so that means let's talk spending money! Above is a vintage Chanel silk skirt suit.  I love a good Chanel suit as the next homo, but would I spend $2,000 on this? Even if it fit me? No. Why? A couple of reasons, one its not flattering for almost anyone. The color alone is ugly, plus it is from the late 1960's. For those who are not in the Chanel Cult, the late 60's was an interesting time Chanel. It was about ten years into her second attempt at Haute Couture at the 75-85 years old. Most of her pieces from this time are not her best by far. If you are going to spend 2000 dollars on a vintage Chanel piece, look for something pre-WWII, and get it in black. Chanel rarely ventured outside of the dark colors, except for the occasional khaki, camel and Red. I know I just ranted about black, but for Chanel there is no better color. Another issue I have with this piece, despite the color, is it is designed for a larger woman, but the pattern is a horizontal stripe. Can you say visual wide load? Plus it's not very structured, so that adds width, instead of hiding it.

Ok now that rant is out of the way. Time for Your Gay Best Friend's Laws of Spending part 1.

1. Never spend more then half your paycheck on a piece of clothing, or non-jewelry accessory.
But of course there are exceptions to every rule in my play book. Let's look at those.
First exception. A Wedding Dress. Never skim on a wedding dress, your wedding is your special day, where every woman wants and deserves to be the center of attention. This is the ONLY thing I would ever suggest spending an entire month's worth of pay on. Hell if you find one you like, spend a couple month's worth of income on it. Make it an heirloom.
Second exception. Classic accessories. Classic accessories come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, with some slight variation for personal taste. Here is a list of the classics.
Black Heels: Every woman in the world should have at least one pair of black heels. These heels should be at least 2 inches, and should be no more then 4inches(some exceptions for higher heels but not much).  These shoes should be something that can go with almost every outfit, and for almost every season. Don't blow three quarters of your paycheck on a pair of strappy black Jimmy Choos. I know that Jimmy Choos are sexy, and they are classy, but think how foolish you would look going to a formal holiday party in a heeled pair of Gladiator style sandals? Yea I thought so. Exception, if you live in the warmer climates, aka where you don't have seasons, like Florida and Southern California. When looking for a pair of heels look at shoe itself, for a good all season shoe look for either a pump, or a sling-back. These are sexy, and can be worn year round, with skits, dresses and pants. I am personally fond of a pointed toe and so should you unless of course you have like a 55 mile inseam. In all my days I can only think of a handful of women who were too tall for pointed toes. If you fall into this category go for a more blunt toe, or a round toe. A peep-toe is also a big hit in my book, as long as it is just a peep, not a full on toe show. And of course if the soles are red, they are that much hotter! So review. 2-4 inch heel(skinnier heels are better. No Wedges for you!) black is key, and all season so either a slingback or a pump. Pointy toes, unless you are a million miles tall, or a peep toe, but not a toe show.  See pictures below.
A neutral clutch: The clutch, probably one of the most useless things a woman could ever have, but one of the most used accessories. I mean what is the point of carrying a round a small bag that you maybe can fit a tube of lipstick, an ID, and if your really resourceful a condom in? With that said this useless accessory is a staple in any woman's wardrobe. Hey I don't make the rules, I just make them work.  Your lifestyle will determine the style, color and price tag for this clutch. If you are a college student who goes out to the bar all the time, but doe not have many fancy events, go for something sparkly, or maybe with a bit more color(not too much tho.) Get a nice leather Dooney at the outlet store.  If you are a woman who has a classier social life then a college bar, get something with versatility and class. May I suggest a black Chanel? Get the picture? And for simple convence stake do two things when shopping for a new clutch. First bring everything you might possibly need when carrying it(money, ID, Lipstick, phone, and condom) this way you can try it out in the store. Even Saks will understand if you bring these in. Secondly get a clutch that has either a removable wristlet or even a nice shoulder strap. Key is make sure they can come off when you need them too. Unless you are the college student at the bar. A permanent leash to your wrist is probably the wisest option.
Your LBD: Like I have mentioned earlier the LBD is one thing every woman must have. If you only own one dress, it better be little and black.  This is another classic that I can totally understand and even support you spending your paycheck, or two, on. What other article of clothing will you ever own can do as much as a good LBD? Nothing. That's right nothing will ever beat this. It is a perfect base for any outfit, from a night out, to a wedding, to a client business dinner.  So how to pick one out. First length, depending on your age, your social life, and your body type the length can range from above the knee to a tea length. If you are a young stick party animal then a shorter skirt is good. Remember it should be short enough to be interesting, but long enough to not give every thing away. If you are older, or larger, or have a more professional social life, go for a tea length. I personally like strapless, because it is the most versatile, but if you do not feel comfortable in strapless, go for a halter top, or thin strap. If you are built like a linebacker go for thicker straps, it makes your shoulders look thinner.  Your LBD should give you a bit of cleavage, but give less away, and leave more to the imagination. If you have some extra baggage around the middle go for an empire waist. Otherwise a fitted bodice is always appropriate. For my own personal taste I like skirts that flow, like an A-line. But if you have the body for it, get something tight. If you need inspiration Google Little Black Dress, Chanel. As she was the creator of the LBD.  Lastly Keep it classy, and keep it black. Add color other ways, not in patterns.
A mid sized purse: No matter who you are, you should have a mid sized purse. I am not talking about a purse that you could fit your entire family in, but definitely bigger then your useless clutch. Here is where you can spend some serious cash, and add color. You should be able to fit the following in your purse: a wallet( or that useless clutch) basic makeup kit(for touch ups) a handful of tampons(do I really need to explain?) a Tide to Go Pen(who doesn't need one of these?) and still have room for all that random stuff that magically appears at the bottom of any purse.  If you are going to invest in a purse, make sure it's classic in design, and is in a color you are going to like for a couple of years. So do not buy some lime green and purple striped Burkin Bag. If you are going to go through the trouble of getting a Burkin Bag make sure its at least a neutral if you can. I would strongly suggest either a black, brown or red purse. All three of these colors go with most things, and do not show dirt as much as say a white bag. Black and Brown are classy, where Red is starting to make a run for class as well, plus it is a nice statement. Also pick a purse that is a complement to the main color of your wardrobe. If you were a lot of pink, don't buy a hot red, or orange bag etc.

Also Jackets are something you can spend a large amount of money on. I have too much to say about jackets, they are a whole other blog entry. Look for that next friday on What Not to Buy!

So there are the classic staples you can spend more then half your paycheck on. Other then that think long and hard about if you really need that pink and blue striped pant suit that costs more then half your paycheck. lastly never spend more then half your paycheck on something you will never wear more then once or twice.

Why I hate Black. Or Why People Think I do.

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I mean look at this woman? Wouldn't you just love to take her out on a Friday night? If you answered yes to this question close your browser now, and never come back. Better yet go to your closet, burn everything that is black, go to Macy's and buy some pink. And while you are there try and buy some class.

This post goes out to my Hag yet again.
In the words of my Hag, Black is classy and you can never go wrong with classy. Unless you cross from classy to straight up gothic. Believe me I love black just as much as the next slightly overweight gay, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Yea it's slimming, it's sliming and it goes with everything, except black and running at night, but so does the color blue? Where are the entire closets of blue? Or the cults wearing only blue? Embrace color, unless of course you are: A widow, a member of a cult, gothic(to an extent), Amish, a nun, or a Funeral director. These groups are excused from the following laws of fashion.

Before I go into the laws of fashion, I need you, yes you, to do something. Get up and go to your closet, hell bring the laptop with you( who uses a desktop anymore?). Open it up, just looking at does not count.  Do not just look at your screen and pretend to do this either, I know who you are. Now for real go look at your closet, wardrobe or where ever you keep your clothes.  Now there are two things I want you to look for, one good, one bad. First is over half your closet black? No, ok you are good. Yes? This post is for you. Now the second thing. Is there at least one piece of clothing from each color in the rainbow? I am not saying you need a pure yellow, or a hot pink, but you should have something that is somewhere in the range of yellow, or pink etc. If you do not, next time you are out shopping, aka as soon as you finish this post, it is my challenge to you to get at least one article of clothing from the colors you are missing. Stop right there with the whining, I do not want to hear "I don't look good in pink,,,Whine whine whine." I get enough of it from the hag. Find a shade of the missing colors you look good in. I have yet to find a person who looks bad in every shade of a color. If you don't look good in magenta, try salmon, or blush or more of a peach color. Now that we have that out of the way time to talk about the antithesis of color, Black.

Every woman should have at least one of the following in black.
A tank top, or cami: you can never go wrong with a tank top, and it is so versatile it is a staple.
A black tee shirt: See reason for cami.
A black sweater/cardigan: a perfect topper to almost any outfit for this cool fall or spring days. Just don't mix it with a black shirt, or a brown shirt. Try a bright color, or a pastel, they go best.
A pair of black wide leg trousers: The wide leg will flatter almost any body type, and the black with slim down those not so sexy thighs you always are complaining about. Get a flat front, midrise pair. These can be dressed up for the office, or dressed down for a night at the club. Wear heels with these, otherwise you get a weird puddle effect, which looks trashy. Feel free to mix it up and add a pinstripe for added flair.
A black skirt: One of the most important weapons in any woman's arsenal is a black skirt that fits your body type. Remember to be seen with a gay, you need to be hot and classy. Not trashy. Stay in the knee range for length, miniskirts only work if you are built like a twig, and longer then a tea length you are approaching school marm, aka matronly. A skirt is one the acceptable areas to add some pattern into what you are wearing. For the sake of this exercise you should make sure if it has a pattern, at least 50% of the skirt is black.
Another Black Skirt: If your first one was your flirty skirt this one will be your classy one. Sexy, but still classy.  This one should be a above or below the knee pencil skirt. Unless you have a huge rear this skirt will flater you. For added flair add a white collared shirt, and a fitted black jacket.
Black Suit Jacket: This jacket should be fitted at your waist, and should hit on your hips. It should be structured with at least a button. For inspiration Google Coco Chanel Jacket, pre 1960.
LBD: I feel like I should not have to even put this on the list, it should be a given. For the 5 women in the world who do not have a little black dress, Mademoiselle Chanel is rolling in her grave at the thought, stop everything and go buy one now. Little black dress, low stilettos and a string of pearls and you will never buy a drink again at the bar. the LBD comes in all shapes and sizes, but has three common factors. They are tight where it counts (depends on your body) they are short( knee range usually) and of course are black.
A Black Collared Shirt: Weither it's a polo shirt, or a dress shirt, no woman's closet is complete with out a black business casual top.

Keep in mind there are always exceptions even to my own laws of fashion. The two types of women who should completely disregard these laws are: women of African American decent, who's skin is that beautiful shade of midnight its almost blue, you will just match the clothes, and borderline albinos. If you are so extremely pale, black around your face will just showcase how pale you are, in some cases this is ok, but if you are really really washed out, this will only add to that. Again this rule only applies to articles of clothing around your face. Even if you fall into one of these categories you should still go out and get skirts and trousers.

There are the basics of black. More about colors to come. For now enjoy these pictures of Becca in her many black outfits. She is classy, but by the end you want some color.

Why I created this Blog and my vendetta against monotones

Me and my Two Best Girls Laura and Becca(Wife and Hag)

 In the summer of 2010 My hag Becca and I were having our usual morning coffee on the porch, listening to the rush of the river, the singing of the birds and the romantic drone of Don running a Lawnmower(Don is Becca's evil next door neighbor and the bane of our existence, and his Mail order Asian bride.) We were talking about the usual things, clothes, boys, coffee, her hatred for any color other then black... and of course my hatred for her affinity for the color. It was here at this moment that what would eventually become this blog was born. Becca was the inspiration for this insanity, so if you are offended blame her. Originally this was supposed to be a book, or a series of books on different aspects of life, such as Fashion, Dating, Weight loss and Wedding Planning( This was was short: Hire a Gay and get out of the way. The end). It was not until later that summer the idea of creating a blog came up. Keep in mind The hag and I live in the styx of a little state called Maine, yes it is a state, and no it's not part of Canada, and no I do not say things like Bah-Habah, I am educated, not from Boston, and do not have a speech impediment. I can and do pronounce my Rs thank you. I do use wicked, a wicked lot, and I used Dear a lot as well.

Alright got a little off topic there. So more about me and why you should read the crap I write. Well first off I am awesome, just ask me, I will tell you how awesome I am. Secondly I know what I am talking about most of the time, and I will try to make you laugh until you cry as often as possible. As you keep reading you will get more reasons don't worry.

About Me: Despite common belief I hate to talk about myself, but for you dear reader I will give it a shot. My Name is Jacquith(Jake-WITH) It's spelt just like it sounds, do not add a french accent, or call me Walkin-With(oh yes I got this once, she thought it was like Joaquin Phoenix). I am grad student at the University of Maine in Human Development with a double focus in Holistic Sexuality and Greek Life studies. My Bachelor's degree is in Social Work. I am the Live-In Advisor for the Gamma Nu Chapter of Delta Tau Delta International Fraternity, which I am also an alumni of. I like coffee, especially Starbucks, long walks on the beach, sunflowers and I am a Pisces.

Now a little about my girls. For later posts I am hoping to spotlight some of my different girls( as they come in all sizes and shapes) as examples for what I am trying to tell you. For this one I decided to spotlight my two besties. Laura and Becca. These two are part of my top tier in my harem of girlies. First came Laura.
Laura: She is my sexy redheaded wife. We met the first day of New Student Orientation when I stole her Aviators. We have been together ever since. To the point where my father has tried bribing her into marrying me twice, he knows I am gay, but loves Laura that much. Laura is fabulous. She has embraced her body and knows how to make it work for her, she is also not afraid of color. She tends towards the deeper tones, and rich fall/earthy tones that offset her hair, and beautiful blue/grey eyes.

Becca: Becca is my hag. We met at a college party five years ago. That set the tone for our entire relationship. We did not speak for almost a year after meeting, but once we started talking again we have not been able to stop. Becca is a short italian woman, who is either a blonde or a redhead depending on the season. She is a label ho like me, and nows how to find a bargin. It has taken almost 5 years, but she has finally reduced the amount of black in her wardrobe to about 80% of it, and has slowly started embracing some new colors. Becca is my guinea pig for all sorts of new ideas, from fashion tips, to make-up to some new kitchen creation(yea I cook and Bake. I also sew and garden. I know I am a perfect homo.). Many of the ideas I talk about in this blog will be either from Becca, or something I tried out on Becca.

I have many other girls, all with their own special and unique reasons I love them. To name a few, Jenn DH, Kate(kadells), Nikki, Teagan, Sam(Samuella HutchyMama-Hater-Face), Carrie(Dwellzie-poo) just to name a few. and of course my boys. There is not enough room to talk about my boys. Maybe in a later post I will talk about Frat-Boy Chic, or lack there of.

Thats all for now. Hope you enjoyed the preview.